Murder 101

I am addicted to true crime shows. Every week, I skim eagerly through the listings for the ID (Investigation Discovery) channel, and usually end up adding half a dozen shows - at least! - to my DVR's programming list. The list is endless. Dateline, 48 Hours, Wicked Attraction, Escaped, Crimes That Shook The World, Deranged, Solved, Most Evil. I've had to become more selective in my choices, because every episode of every show sounds intriguing, but if I keep hitting the record button, I'll end up with hours and hours of stuff to watch. And who's got time?! So I've become a sort of gatekeeper to my own entertainment. I'm limiting myself to the very best. The most evil of Most Evil, if you will.

Crystal (who is every bit the fan I am, which might explain our attraction to one another) asked me an interesting question the other day. "Do you think that by watching all these true crime shows, you have learned enough to be able to commit the perfect crime and get away with it, if you wanted to?" My answer is a resounding yes.

The usual disclaimers apply. I do not have the heart of a criminal, and don't ever wish to get away with any of the horrible acts portrayed on these programs. They're fascinating to watch, in the way that you'd stare at an accident while driving past, but the thought of actually committing a murder does not, as they say, "get the juices flowing." Thank god for that. I'd have to have myself locked up on general principle if it did.

However, I do think that watching all those shows has, at the very least and in theory, prepped me for tips on how to get away with it. Or looking at it another way, figuring out what not to do to get caught, which is really just a backwards way of getting away with it, after all. Learning about the mistakes these other guys made on the way to capture would, naturally, prevent me from making the same mistakes. Some of the actions to take are obvious, others less so. Do not leave fingerprints (that's probably basic Murder 101). Do not try to frame somebody else for the crime (which rarely works) - if nothing else, make it look random. If you're going to kill, do so while naked (you won't risk any telltale blood spatter on your clothing). Don't use a phone near the scene of the crime (even cell phones can be traced to the closest tower and put you within spitting distance of the body). If you're going to make up an alibi, and are relying on another person, make sure in advance that your stories corroborate perfectly: rehearse all the details until they're drilled into both your brains. And so forth and so on.

Ironic, in a sense, that these true crime shows can actually serve as a blueprint to murder (or rape, or kidnapping) if studied closely enough. In a way, that almost makes me feel guilty for even watching them. And yet, like that car wreck, they're impossible to resist. I figure, since the novels I write tend to revolve around people with certain deranged motives, I can chalk it all up to research, anyway.

It's a damn good thing I'm not a sociopath. Which troubles me, though, because - what if there are crazy, psychotic individuals out there taking to heart all this free advice? What if the next Ted Bundy or Gary Ridgway or John Wayne Gacy is, even tonight, watching that latest episode of Wicked Attraction that he's got saved to his DVR?

There's a sobering thought.